things i have eated

things i have eated lately include

my bone
my bed
my blanket
my papa's socks
my mama's glasses
my dinner
my breakfast
my leash
a program for the canadian opera company's recent production of Madama Butterfly
a Guitar Hero World Tour microphone
my mama's shoes
my mama's other shoes
a squirrel

here's what i love:
farting

this is not my ball

this is not my ball



one of the things to do in canadia is go to the dog park and one of my favorite games at the dog park is Running Around With Other Dogs' Toys

it goes like this

first you must identify a toy that is being thrown specifically for another dog and this is ideally a toy that that dog and other dogs want very very badly

the general level of want for the toy must be pursued through research as demonstrated here



now that you have confirmed that the black dog really really really likes the long tennis ball thingy which is indeed a very good toy you can go get it before that dog can get it and run around with it thus



and chasing ensues which is my favoritest thing ever

i also know how to share like one time my friend johnny came over and i let him share my bed and my mama's iphone and we added all kinds of dubious apps to it as she would later discover



i absolutely love Playing Well With Others

even though

even though they are called Walks walking is really just a warm up now that i am a triathlete

tri is peoples for three so there are three parts of my daily training and the first is Running which is self-explanatory

you have to do it a lot and very fast and this also includes multiple subcategories including Up The Mountain, Over Trees, With Stick, and With Other Dogs

next i have to do Swimming which is when a peoples throws a stick in the swimming hole and you run in the water where there is no ground to get it

Swimming is really an advanced version of Full Body Drinking at which i have excelled for some time

then of course there is Squirrel Wrangling which is when you run through all the woods and clear the whole ground of squirrels and also chippermonks count too

now that it is almost fall my mama says the squirrels are Preparing For Winter which means they steal all the chestnuts and crabapples and are super-cheeky and TALK BACK TO YOU and you have to chase 'em real good to show them what's what

i am telling you i am so busy i have to take extra hard naps

something you should know

something you should know about me is that i have many very important duties

for one thing i have to protect my mama from squirrels and for another i have to keep an eye on papa at all times in case he decides to go away and he forgets that he should never do that without taking me and mama with him too

as if that were not enough i also have to help keep the shoe population around the house in check

you would not believe how they proliferate especially my mama's

sometimes they are out of control and you find a rogue pair lying around under a table or something and you have to neutralize them like for example today my mama's favorite sneakers

they were just lying there all morning not taking me for walks so you know they were up to no good

i am very helpful

rain is when

rain is when you get wet and you didn't even roll in a puddle or anything

it is very unpleasant

sometimes it only rains on this one house on our street in a bizarre natural phenomenon known as Sprinklers but other times like yesterday and the day before that it rains on the whole world

today it's not raining and i showed my mama my new favorite game which is called Running Up the Mountain

mama says peoples prefer to stay on the trail and not run straight up a gigantic vertical incline through trees and prickly bushes and i say it sounds like peoples are missing the whole point of having a mountain at all

when you get to the top you can play my other favorite game, Running Down the Mountain

the mountain is right in the middle of squirrel country and those squirrels i am telling you they are so sneaky

they run toward trees and DISAPPEAR i am so serious

in my dreams i run up the mountain and down the mountain and up the mountain and down the mountain and i am so fast i catch all the squirrels and the peoples they can finally live in peace

have you ever seen

have you ever seen the beach? it is this crazy place where THE WATER MOVES AT YOU

i went there today and my papa and me we went wading







wading is very refreshing but you gotta keep an eye on those waves

they just keep coming

we live in canadia

we live in canadia now

and at our new house instead of a Back Yard we have a Golf Course and a Nature Trail

a Nature Trail is where you walk on a leash and it smells like a million new things

and there are squirrels and black squirrels and really big black squirrels and joggers and walkers and strollers and bikers and deer and goldfinches and noises and waterfalls and a dead groundhog and most of all chipper-monks

so you have to stay alert at all times or as mama says Too Excited To Pee

a Golf Course is a huuuuuuuuuge lawn where you go at night and run around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around

and around and around and around and around

and there are nighttime birds called Bats that go cccccriiiiick crikcrikcrik

mama says we like Bats because they eat skitos but i like them because they are there and then they aren't

i like our new house except when mama and papa leave me alone in it

then it's still a little scary