christmas

christmas is when my mama and my papa and i go to new york city and everyone wraps everything up in paper and then unwraps it again

it is a lot like moving except you do not move anywhere

and there are toys everywhere but most of them when you try to play with them everyone says NO

for example the toys growing on the inside tree

and the wise men in the creche

and all the paper which is very good for chewing

christmas is rather confusing




what about this one can i eat this one?



i can eat this one!


on christmas all the toys are called Presents and they are From Santa which means they are from peoples who love you

my best present was a big hug from my papa



once you figure it out christmas can be very rewarding

last night

last night i ran around the entire golf course carrying a Whole Goddam Tree which is peoples for a really really good stick

and then we watched movies which is when my mama and my papa look at the tv and i sleep in my papa's lap

sometimes i think about new york which is where all my new friends live for example these little birds that live inside

they like to jump around in a cage and beep and i like to lie on the couch and watch them



they are like movies but birdier

new york

new york is where it smells like a million billion new things and my mama and my papa and i went there and i went for walks in it

and i saw ducks and pigeons and a huge possum in the daytime and i thought they only lived in the nighttime

but my mama says new york possums are the possums that never sleep

here is something you should know: new york squirrels are superfast because they are up to extra evil

and i met a kitty and she let me take a nap with her!



as long as i was very quiet and didn't get on her side of the couch

things i have eated

things i have eated lately include

my bone
my bed
my blanket
my papa's socks
my mama's glasses
my dinner
my breakfast
my leash
a program for the canadian opera company's recent production of Madama Butterfly
a Guitar Hero World Tour microphone
my mama's shoes
my mama's other shoes
a squirrel

here's what i love:
farting

this is not my ball

this is not my ball



one of the things to do in canadia is go to the dog park and one of my favorite games at the dog park is Running Around With Other Dogs' Toys

it goes like this

first you must identify a toy that is being thrown specifically for another dog and this is ideally a toy that that dog and other dogs want very very badly

the general level of want for the toy must be pursued through research as demonstrated here



now that you have confirmed that the black dog really really really likes the long tennis ball thingy which is indeed a very good toy you can go get it before that dog can get it and run around with it thus



and chasing ensues which is my favoritest thing ever

i also know how to share like one time my friend johnny came over and i let him share my bed and my mama's iphone and we added all kinds of dubious apps to it as she would later discover



i absolutely love Playing Well With Others

even though

even though they are called Walks walking is really just a warm up now that i am a triathlete

tri is peoples for three so there are three parts of my daily training and the first is Running which is self-explanatory

you have to do it a lot and very fast and this also includes multiple subcategories including Up The Mountain, Over Trees, With Stick, and With Other Dogs

next i have to do Swimming which is when a peoples throws a stick in the swimming hole and you run in the water where there is no ground to get it

Swimming is really an advanced version of Full Body Drinking at which i have excelled for some time

then of course there is Squirrel Wrangling which is when you run through all the woods and clear the whole ground of squirrels and also chippermonks count too

now that it is almost fall my mama says the squirrels are Preparing For Winter which means they steal all the chestnuts and crabapples and are super-cheeky and TALK BACK TO YOU and you have to chase 'em real good to show them what's what

i am telling you i am so busy i have to take extra hard naps

something you should know

something you should know about me is that i have many very important duties

for one thing i have to protect my mama from squirrels and for another i have to keep an eye on papa at all times in case he decides to go away and he forgets that he should never do that without taking me and mama with him too

as if that were not enough i also have to help keep the shoe population around the house in check

you would not believe how they proliferate especially my mama's

sometimes they are out of control and you find a rogue pair lying around under a table or something and you have to neutralize them like for example today my mama's favorite sneakers

they were just lying there all morning not taking me for walks so you know they were up to no good

i am very helpful