part of my job

part of my job as an antelopelologist is to study the languages of foreign creatures

squirrels do not have much to say maybe because their mouths are always full of haycorns

one explanation is that they have no language but this to me seems unlikely because then how could they plot collectively against the general wellbeing of others

i believe that they withhold their language from us as part of their general sneakiness

chippermonks on the other hand are quite talkative

today on my walks i saw a building with vines all over it and the vines were moving and i walked up to them and put my nose in them and there was a chippermonk in there! and it said WEEEEEEEET weetweetweetweet which i take to mean "hello daisy mae i am a chippermonk" and then there were MORE chippermonks in there and they said WEEEETWEEEET weetweetweet WEEEEEEEEEEEEET which can only mean "we are chippermonks and we are in these vines and you found us daisy mae because you are the most cleverest puppy"

now that i speak chippermonk if i can only find the Rosetta Bone with chippermonk, peoples, and squirrel i will know what those squirrels are saying about me

my research

my research on squirrels has entered a new stage 

the first stage was largely bile-logical which is the science of opening squirrels up to see what's inside* 

but my mama said maybe i could take a more antelope-logical approach which is when you study the behaviors of squirrels when they are alive and uneated and this way you can find out where all their crazy squirrel ideas come from 

one thing i have observed is that squirrel culture is organized around the obsessive collection of haycorns 

so when i am in the field which is peoples for when an antelope-lologist goes on her walks i like to stop and investigate the haycorns which come from the sidewalk underneath the tree by the playground 

then i like to carry one or two haycorns around for a while to try to see the world through a squirrel's eyes but without taking the eyes out of a squirrel 

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*feetsnote: so named because the old greek hippo Crates said that squirrels are full of yellow bile which is the stuff inside them that makes them so disagreeable