christmas

christmas is when my mama and my papa and i go to new york city and everyone wraps everything up in paper and then unwraps it again

it is a lot like moving except you do not move anywhere

and there are toys everywhere but most of them when you try to play with them everyone says NO

for example the toys growing on the inside tree

and the wise men in the creche

and all the paper which is very good for chewing

christmas is rather confusing




what about this one can i eat this one?



i can eat this one!


on christmas all the toys are called Presents and they are From Santa which means they are from peoples who love you

my best present was a big hug from my papa



once you figure it out christmas can be very rewarding

last night

last night i ran around the entire golf course carrying a Whole Goddam Tree which is peoples for a really really good stick

and then we watched movies which is when my mama and my papa look at the tv and i sleep in my papa's lap

sometimes i think about new york which is where all my new friends live for example these little birds that live inside

they like to jump around in a cage and beep and i like to lie on the couch and watch them



they are like movies but birdier

new york

new york is where it smells like a million billion new things and my mama and my papa and i went there and i went for walks in it

and i saw ducks and pigeons and a huge possum in the daytime and i thought they only lived in the nighttime

but my mama says new york possums are the possums that never sleep

here is something you should know: new york squirrels are superfast because they are up to extra evil

and i met a kitty and she let me take a nap with her!



as long as i was very quiet and didn't get on her side of the couch

things i have eated

things i have eated lately include

my bone
my bed
my blanket
my papa's socks
my mama's glasses
my dinner
my breakfast
my leash
a program for the canadian opera company's recent production of Madama Butterfly
a Guitar Hero World Tour microphone
my mama's shoes
my mama's other shoes
a squirrel

here's what i love:
farting

this is not my ball

this is not my ball



one of the things to do in canadia is go to the dog park and one of my favorite games at the dog park is Running Around With Other Dogs' Toys

it goes like this

first you must identify a toy that is being thrown specifically for another dog and this is ideally a toy that that dog and other dogs want very very badly

the general level of want for the toy must be pursued through research as demonstrated here



now that you have confirmed that the black dog really really really likes the long tennis ball thingy which is indeed a very good toy you can go get it before that dog can get it and run around with it thus



and chasing ensues which is my favoritest thing ever

i also know how to share like one time my friend johnny came over and i let him share my bed and my mama's iphone and we added all kinds of dubious apps to it as she would later discover



i absolutely love Playing Well With Others

even though

even though they are called Walks walking is really just a warm up now that i am a triathlete

tri is peoples for three so there are three parts of my daily training and the first is Running which is self-explanatory

you have to do it a lot and very fast and this also includes multiple subcategories including Up The Mountain, Over Trees, With Stick, and With Other Dogs

next i have to do Swimming which is when a peoples throws a stick in the swimming hole and you run in the water where there is no ground to get it

Swimming is really an advanced version of Full Body Drinking at which i have excelled for some time

then of course there is Squirrel Wrangling which is when you run through all the woods and clear the whole ground of squirrels and also chippermonks count too

now that it is almost fall my mama says the squirrels are Preparing For Winter which means they steal all the chestnuts and crabapples and are super-cheeky and TALK BACK TO YOU and you have to chase 'em real good to show them what's what

i am telling you i am so busy i have to take extra hard naps

something you should know

something you should know about me is that i have many very important duties

for one thing i have to protect my mama from squirrels and for another i have to keep an eye on papa at all times in case he decides to go away and he forgets that he should never do that without taking me and mama with him too

as if that were not enough i also have to help keep the shoe population around the house in check

you would not believe how they proliferate especially my mama's

sometimes they are out of control and you find a rogue pair lying around under a table or something and you have to neutralize them like for example today my mama's favorite sneakers

they were just lying there all morning not taking me for walks so you know they were up to no good

i am very helpful

rain is when

rain is when you get wet and you didn't even roll in a puddle or anything

it is very unpleasant

sometimes it only rains on this one house on our street in a bizarre natural phenomenon known as Sprinklers but other times like yesterday and the day before that it rains on the whole world

today it's not raining and i showed my mama my new favorite game which is called Running Up the Mountain

mama says peoples prefer to stay on the trail and not run straight up a gigantic vertical incline through trees and prickly bushes and i say it sounds like peoples are missing the whole point of having a mountain at all

when you get to the top you can play my other favorite game, Running Down the Mountain

the mountain is right in the middle of squirrel country and those squirrels i am telling you they are so sneaky

they run toward trees and DISAPPEAR i am so serious

in my dreams i run up the mountain and down the mountain and up the mountain and down the mountain and i am so fast i catch all the squirrels and the peoples they can finally live in peace

have you ever seen

have you ever seen the beach? it is this crazy place where THE WATER MOVES AT YOU

i went there today and my papa and me we went wading







wading is very refreshing but you gotta keep an eye on those waves

they just keep coming

we live in canadia

we live in canadia now

and at our new house instead of a Back Yard we have a Golf Course and a Nature Trail

a Nature Trail is where you walk on a leash and it smells like a million new things

and there are squirrels and black squirrels and really big black squirrels and joggers and walkers and strollers and bikers and deer and goldfinches and noises and waterfalls and a dead groundhog and most of all chipper-monks

so you have to stay alert at all times or as mama says Too Excited To Pee

a Golf Course is a huuuuuuuuuge lawn where you go at night and run around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around

and around and around and around and around

and there are nighttime birds called Bats that go cccccriiiiick crikcrikcrik

mama says we like Bats because they eat skitos but i like them because they are there and then they aren't

i like our new house except when mama and papa leave me alone in it

then it's still a little scary

oh my god

oh my god in buffaloes they have the craziest squirrels

they are called BUNNIES

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

mama and papa

mama and papa have lost their minds

they took all the furniture outside and now they're giving it away to strange peoples

and they woke up when it was still nighttime to do it

and it is saturday

they are suffering from the disturbing condition known as yard sale

and they better not give away my bed

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

ATTENTION

ATTENTION

THIS IS A SQUIRREL ALERT CODE RED

REPEAT

SQUIRREL ALERT CODE RED

MY MAMA AND ME WE TOOK AN EARLY MORNING WALK AND THEY ARE EVERYWHERE

YOU HEAR ME? EV. ER. EE. WHERE.

IF YOU GO OUTSIDE PLEASE EXERCISE EXTREME VIGILANCE

IF YOU SEE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:

• TWITCHY TAILS


• BEADY EYES


• SUDDEN, DARTING MOVEMENTS IN, UP, TOWARD, OR AROUND TREES

YOU MAY BE IN THE VICINITY OF A SQUIRREL

IF YOU WITNESS OR SUSPECT ANY SQUIRREL ACTIVITY, BARK IMMEDIATELY AND LOUDLY

THIS IS NOT A TEST

have you ever seen

have you ever seen a canadia goose?

because my mama and me we saw TWO at the park today and she says they are birds but i don't think so because they are as BIG as ANIMALS

also they honk!

and i don't know if you know this but we are moving to canadia which is a decision we made before i knew about their crazy gooses

i just don't know about this at all

today i got a letter

today i got a letter from my friend easter who went to live with my auntie shelia's family:

Hey Daisy,

It's me, Easter.  Just wanted to let you know that I am doing fine.  I have new peoples now.    They are okay. The boy named Noah doesn't like to get licked.  He says I am a ghetto dog because I do drive by licks.  Someone keeps filling in the holes that I am digging so that I can escape.  I think it is the boy.  I'm going to the home of some guy named Granddad tomorrow.  They says I'll live with him forever.  The momma of this house says they were just offering a temporary shelter, so I has to go to my new home.  Okay more later.  The girl who lives here is coming, and I am in her room.

Deuces

my mama says easter is going to go live on granddad's farm which is a real farm with cows and not a figurative farm with dead people

and maybe one day i can visit

sunday night

sunday night is our new book club night me and easter

mama's selling a bunch of books before we move to canada and we decided to check some out

A Conspiracy of Paper by David Liss we only got about halfway through but Period by Dennis Cooper we ate cover to cover

and then we pooped inside

easter and me

easter and me we have taken Escaping to a whole new level

it's called Going Feral!

mama is not a fan

so me and my friend easter

so me and my friend easter we were napping but then something cool happened over there



and i was like wake up let's go over there and she was like whaaaa?



and then she went back to sleep



and i was like come ON i'm sticking my nose in your ear wake UP



but then i just went over there myself because life's too short and she is lazy


epilogue:


then when i was ready for more nap who knows where she went that silly easter i missed her

there's this other dog

there's this other dog who is staying with us because she lost her peoples on easter and we have to find them



and it's pretty cool especially now that she is getting better at Bite Each Other In The Face

but here's the thing

i will share my food

i will share my bed

i will share my treats for coming and sitting and down

i will share my stick

i will share my walk

i will share my chewy things even though sometimes i need both of them

i will share my mama and my papa

but i will NOT share my mama's first thing in the morning kisses

they are MINE

sometimes

sometimes vacations can be exhausting

like this past weekend for example when we went to crossett so my mama and my papa could see their new niece penny and i could see my cousins blizzie and max and noonan

in crossett there are no inside dogs so i have to stay out back with noonan which is only fun for a little while and then everybody goes away and it starts raining and it's cold and muddy and nighttime and no one knows where i am no matter how much i bark

so sometimes i have to escape

and so mama and papa say ok daisy mae you don't have to sleep in the rain and they take me to a strange vet's that smells like being scared and leave me with ladies who put me in a closet in the way back and don't play with me or talk to me or let me go to the bathroom enough so i have to try and escape which doesn't even work except to scrape up my nose

and they tell me that i'm spoiled rotten which means we're not giving you any of the treats your mama left with you

and it seems like mama and papa are never coming back but then they do and they let me chase blizzie and the cows and that's better

mama calls that awful place cultural dissonance

i call it misery

she says sometimes it's good to be out of your element which means it's nice to know how good it feels to be your normal self

here's what

here's what i don't like

when we're driving around in the truck all together and then papa pulls in somewhere and gets out and walks away

because where is he going?

and how do i know if he'll come back?

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

COWS

COWS ARE THE BIGGEST DOGS I'VE EVER SEEN

i mean you do not understand they are HUGE

and i went to crossett and i chased them

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

every morning

every morning on our walk we see these amazing things

they're like they're like they're like leaves with heads that blow around even when there's no wind and they're called justabirds

and sometimes i swear they are looking at me

and you can never find out where they go because mama won't let you off the leash

and if you're really quick and you catch one it's called justaleaf

i have a new game

i have a new game it's called Escaping

see it turns out that if you are very clever which i am you can wriggle under the wire fence out back and then you are out in the whole world

i am so good at it that every day i advance a level and my mama and my papa have to go out and make obstacles with hammers and nails and logs and big rocks and sometimes it takes me a while but i always figure it out and then i run around the neighborhood and make new friends while mama and papa chase me around cursing

Escaping is a game that segues very nicely into Running Away

sometimes mama and papa can be real sore losers and they are quite short with me when we get home but i tell them it's okay you guys

i still love you

today i am one years old

today i am one years old

mama says we don't know exactly what day i was born but valentine's day makes sense because i am all love

i reminded her that i am also some parts slobber and running around and she said yes that's true

here are some of the things i love

kitty:


my friend barley:


my ball and my other ball:


my frisbee that i ate the middle out of even though the package said i couldn't:


exploring:


hiking:


running away:


riding in the truck:


my bed:


my mama and my papa:

we are having an ice storm

we are having an ice storm which is when all the trees turn to icicles and fall down and there are no lights or tv at home and everyone has to snuggle in their blankets

like me:


and kitty:


and mama:


it's been a lot of work keeping mama cheered up because she hates being cold so when i'm not cuddled up and sleeping i do a lot of running around and tossing my chewy things around and pouncing on them and finding kitty and chasing kitty and things like that to show her how much fun being stuck inside can be

also i had to check out this big tree that fell in our backyard and bark at it for a while:



today mama and papa got tired of sitting around being cold and watching me eat their socks and they said guess what it's take daisy to work day! and we walked up to campus because even though it's a disaster area at least there's heat and internet in mama's office and we can catch up on blogging and being warm



mama says a natural disaster is when everything is broken and no fun but secretly i think it's a little fun

last week i ate mama's boots

last week i ate mama's boots and she said the only reason i'm not living on the streets is because they weren't her newest boots

but yesterday someone peed on her favorite new bag that papa bought her as a special present and it had to go in the washing machine where it fell into a hundred pieces that can never be put back together again and guess what it wasn't even me

it was kitty

papa said

papa said no more stuffed friends for me because they make a terrible mess and are a waste of money the way i go through them

but then he sent mama to the pet store around christmas and she came back with a santa bear

and i ate his leg and his hat and his arm and his other arm and his head and opened up his belly and tore out all the stuffing and threw it around and found his squeaky heart and tossed it in papa's lap and he said "see" and mama said "she's not done" because i still had a pile of fluff and one booted little foot to scatter all over the house!

and i did

here's what i love:

christmas