i have no one to play with

i have no one to play with since

i killded Lobster

i shredded Squirrel

i unstuffed Hedgehog

i gutted Pheasant

i ate Mallard's face off

i disemboweled Blue Heron and saved his legs for a while and then unraveled them until they were gone too

i tore off Raccoon's tail and turned him inside out

i chewed off Rabbit's ears and pulled his guts out of his neck

i removed Octopus's legs

i dismembered Blue Lobster

i declawed Trayf

and i plucked Duck's innards out of his butt



Me and Hedgehog and Squirrel and Trayf in happier times




Me and Duck




Pulling Rabbit's insides out of his head




I love Duck!




Look what you have in your butt, Duck!




Uh oh—Mama, all of Duck's insides came out of his butt.

mama and papa don't approve

mama and papa don't approve of any of my games

these days it's all daisy mae don't eat books or daisy mae don't eat dvds or daisy mae get your nose out of the people food or daisy mae barking at the dogs next door is not a fun game

and i'm like but mama barking at the dogs next door IS a fun game

but it doesn't matter she never listens

yesterday i went to doggie daycare and saw all my friends and when i came home papa said oh my god daisy you have a gaping wound in your cheek and i said oh that's nothing papa my friends and i were just playing Bite Each Other In The Face today

but he and mama went and freaked out and talked to val who said that i am a big fan of Bite Each Other In The Face and they've been keeping an eye on me

mama said daisy mae i know you don't mind when other dogs Bite You In The Face but other dogs don't like it when you Bite Them In The Face which is just her way of saying yet again that something that is very fun isn't fun

the only one who understands me these days is octopus

he lets me bite him in the face all day long

mama says

mama says i have entered adolescence

i have been in a certain spirit lately that i like to call "exploratory" or "curious" or "actively engaged in the world"

mama calls it "testing my boundaries" or "trying her patience" or "wantonly destroying everything in my path"

for example yesterday i ate a very interesting book called the ballad of dingus magee and when mama and papa found me they were maaaad

papa said NO EATING BOOKS IN THIS HOUSE! which i find confusing because we are a very literary family

so later i tried to make amends by writing a new book for the library but i ended up just eating a whole pen because they are not well designed for canine usage and then i puked up ink all over the study floor

i could have taken it in a pollockian direction from there but mama chased me into the backyard and papa mopped it all up

i feel they do not quite understand my vision so i worked all night on deconstructing my bed by which i mean i painstakingly chewed a hole in it and tore out all the stuffing

this morning when mama came out for her shower i said SURPRISE I INVERTED THE BED PARADIGM and she turned around and went back to bed

you'll notice

you'll notice i haven't posted for a while because i have been sooooooo busy

for example i went to crossett to visit my cousins blizzie and max and we ran around and chased cows and then on the drive back the car got sick because the engine exploded and my papa had to push it to a gas station and my mama and i had to sit in starbucks for hours and hours and then grandpa and uncle ryan came and picked us up in a big truck and i got to ride in the back and i slept all the way home

and the car died and we never saw it again

now we have a big truck

and then my mama and papa had to go to new york city to get married so i would no longer be a puppy out of wedlock and i got to go to the doggie dude ranch for ten days

the doggie dude ranch is where you go out to the country and run around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and then it's ten days later and you go home and take a long nap

i made friends with a great dane who they say can chase down a deer which means he can run fast but i can run just as fast and no one can believe it ooooooooh i absolutely love running

when my mama got home she gave me kisses and told me i am a big muscle with fur and ears

that means she loves me

tonight my papa had a meeting so my mama and i invented a new game where i disembowel my squirrel and scatter all its stuffing around the kitchen floor and my mama says daisy mae i'm trying to cook dinner and i run around and get my new raccoon and she says you're making an awful mess and sighs and gets the broom and sweeps all the squirrel guts up into a big pile and i run through it with my raccoon and she screams and throws the raccoon into the next room and sweeps up again and i get my raccoon and run through the pile again and roll around a bit and she throws the raccoon into the other room and i get my raccoon and also my chipmunk and also my big red ball with the disgusting smelly rope and i carry them all at the same time into the kitchen and we all roll around in the pile of stuffing and mama chases us around which is lots of fun especially when says bad words because the frittata is burning

i love my raccoon and my chipmunk and my ball and my mama

also i love to sleep in my own bed

on tuesday evenings

on tuesday evenings i go to obedience school at the canine connection

school is where you get treats for sitting and walking around and i must say i believe i am excelling

before school i go to doggie daycare because otherwise i am too ADD to learn anything my mama says

doggie daycare is where there are all kinds of puppies and you run around and around and around and around and around and take a nap and run around and around and around and around and around some more and then val gives you a cookie because you are "miss congeniality" which means the best

my mama says i'm not so congenial when i am being destructive for example when i ate her favorite silver sandals last week

she said daisy mae can you tell me why i love you so much when all you do is destroy the things i love and i said because mama i am in the words of henry james an imperturbable little prodigy of delightful loveable goodness and she said yep that's it

and i got another cookie

i am

i am daisy mae

i am a LION HOUND

the other day at the park a nice peoples told me that i was a rhodesian ridgeback and my mama and papa looked that up and found all kinds of puppies on the computer that look like me DAISY MAE

like this one which has my chest and my toes and my tail and my ears and my nose and my body:



and here is me:



and here is me battling the wild dogs next door:



and here is me looking adorable:



wikipedia says:

The Rhodesian Ridgeback is a dog breed indigenous to Southern Africa. Its European forebears can be traced to the early pioneers of the Cape Colony of southern Africa, who crossed their dogs with the semi-domesticated, ridged hunting dogs of the Khoisan people (referred to by the colonists as "Hottentots").

In the earlier parts of its history, the Rhodesian Ridgeback has also been known as Van Rooyen's Lion Dogs, the African Lion Hound or African Lion Dog—Simba Inja in Ndebele, Shumba Imbwa in Shona—because of their ability to harass a lion and keep it at bay while awaiting their master to make the kill.

i said hey mama that's what i've been doing with kitty! and she said this is not the savannah and there is no hunting kitty

so i've been practicing on the peoples who come to the house instead

also this means i am african american like my aunt shelia and my mama says that's why i'm so pretty

which i am

also i started obedience school and this week i've been practicing responding to my own name

i am very good at it especially when there are treats involved and my mama says i'm a good althusserian subject

plus i has a heritage

kf-in-georgia asks

kf-in-georgia asks if i've been up to something and i have! my mama and papa went away for the weekend and i stayed at the kennel with all the other puppies until my aunt shelia picked me up and the lady told her i was a "wild woman" which is peoples for awesome

i'm told the kennel is practice for the doggie dude ranch

here's what i love

when my mama and my papa come home and feed me treats on the couch

here's what else i love

kitty

yesterday i went to the vet

yesterday i went to the vet to get "fixed"

and i didn't even know i was broken

but mama says we don't need any more daisy maes because i'm super special enough all by myself

obviously

dear senator obama

dear senator obama

my mama says you are looking to adopt a puppy when you're done running for president and we think you should find one from a shelter

there are lots of really super awesome puppies at the shelter for example me daisy mae

i'm not there anymore but i'm sure you will find one almost as great

my mama signed this petition but i can't because puppies don't sign things so i'm just telling you here

also maybe one day your new puppy could invite me to the white house and we could play run around and fetch

kisses
daisy mae

whenever we go out

whenever we go out for walks and we see peoples they always love me and ask my mama what kind of puppy i am

sometimes they say i look just like their puppies and they guess what breed i am

here are some of the things that the peoples have called me

boxer
beagle
shepherd
hunting dog
pibble
ridgeback
great dane

here is what my mama calls me

mix

my papa says i'm multiracial like my mama which is why i'm so pretty

which i am

ask daisy mae

Dear Daisy Mae,

What do you think of Leona Helmsley leaving a legacy of $8 billion to go toward the needs of dogs around the world? How would you like to see these funds be used? Do you recommend any guidelines on how they might be distributed?

Sincerely,

Greg in Riverdale

dear greg

thank you for writing in on this important issue on which i happen to have several opinions

my mama says money is what peoples use to buy things so first i think the peoples should buy every puppy his or her very own squeaky thing to chew on like a duck or a frog which is what my peoples buy me at the store

and also the good dog food in the great big bag that's too big for mama to carry

and the peoples should maybe spruce up the shelters because when i was there it wasn't very nice and a lot of dogs have to live there longer than i did

and they should be able to live there forever until peoples come to take them home and maybe the puppies with peoples could go to day care there and we could all play fun games like run around and random barking

maybe they could go to the doggie dude ranch once in a while because shelter dogs need a nice vacation

i can't wait to go to the doggie dude ranch

also i think there should be a fresh air fund for city dogs who want to go out to the country once in a while to bark at the cows

and more doggie parks everywhere and the parks should have cool stuff like dirt and tunnels and squirrels

and endowed scholarships for puppies to go to obedience school

and all puppies should be able to go to the vet whenever they have to even if their peoples have no money or maybe they don't even have peoples at all and the vet should give them cookies

my mama said there should be a federal spay-and-neuter fund and i said i don't know what that means and she said i will in a couple of weeks

i would like to note that the new york times story says that when

Mrs. Helmsley signed [a statement] in 2003 to establish goals for the multibillion-dollar trust that would disburse assets after her death ... the first goal was to help indigent people, the second to provide for the care and welfare of dogs. A year later ... she deleted the first goal.

i don't know what kind of peoples an indigent peoples is but i'm pretty sure it is not as cute as puppies so that was the right decision

also here are some ideas from puppies in new york

thanks for writing greg in riverdale

kisses
daisy mae

ask daisy mae

Dear Daisy Mae:
What is your favorite tv show?
Love,
sj

dear sj

i have several favorite tv shows for example i like to watch the dog whisperer with my mama because it is about a people who speaks dog

also i like episodes of law & order when there is a k-9 but there are not enough

and i like frisky dingo on the cartoon network even though it has less to do with energetic wild dogs than you might think

thanks for writing, sj

kisses
daisy mae

mama said i need to update my blog

mama said i need to update my blog because my fans are wanting

she says there's a whole crew club in new york that is waiting to know what i've been doing lately

i said but mama i've been so busy what with my ball and my squirrel and my duck and my other duck and my other ball and my bone and my new bed and hiking and all the running around i have to do all the time

and she said well daisy mae maybe you could take questions from your readers and then just take a minute out of your hectic schedule every once in a while to answer them and offer advice and stuff

and i said that's a good idea mama you're pretty smart i think i'll chew on your hand for a while

and she said okay and i'll write you your first inquiry

Dear Daisy Mae,

What are some of your favorite games?

Love,
Your Mama

well mama i have a lot of fun games that i like to play for example my new favorite game is called run away and it looks like this:


i especially like to play this game with my papa when he accidentally lets me out the front door and he says daisy mae you better not run in the road get your ass over here NOW which is people for i'm ready to chase you all over the neighborhood while i shout bad words

another game i like is sit and shake because i can do both at the same time:

that is called an action shot because it shows me daisy mae in action

my auntie nancy came to visit from massachusetts and we played a game called I'M WILD! in which we are wild which is very difficult to photograph because it is extremely active but it looks a little like this:


sometimes people don't like to play i'm wild because they had too much wine the night before or they are trying to "write" whatever that is and in those cases i win

thanks for writing in mama

love daisy mae

last week i ate a bug

last week i ate a bug with two heads

it's called a mating bug

then we got in the car and went to crossett where there are dogs and bugs and peoples and cows! i love cows because they are good for barking at and also they poop A LOT

on a more somber note the common review has an essay about when people write books about when dogs have to die but don't worry my mama says because it won't happen to puppies not even when they bite a hole in their mama's jeans

sometimes puppies just have to go outside for a little while

dear papa

dear papa

i have no idea who peed on the stairs three times while you were under deadline

it must have been other puppies

also i love you

kisses
daisy mae

today we went for a hike

today we went for a hike in the mount sequoyah woods and we walked and walked and climbed and went on rocks and over trees and we climbed some more and then we went down and then we went up and up and up and up and down and down and up and up and up some more and i ran around and sniffed leaves and sticks and trees and rocks and mud and bugs and a butterfly and a lizard and some more leaves and i met two turtles and one was eating a raspberry so i had to stop and bark at it for a while

ooooooooh i absolutely love hiking

mama and me had a late night

mama and me had a late night and then we had to read the new yorker all day


you'll notice i have a new collar

i was too big for my first one so we went to the store and got a shiny orange one like hunting dogs my papa said and then we met this guy and he was like A TENNESSEE FAN! which is people for time to get daisy mae another new collar

it is green and mama says it looks better with my new vaccination bling anyways

also my papa blogged about me which means i am famouser and famouser

i have a new hobby

i have a new hobby it's called hiking

my mama took me to the lake and i liked it so then my mama and my papa and i all went to the lake and there were peoples and squirrels and sticks and lizards and childrens who are little peoples who go awwww i wanna pet the puppy and then i lick them

we walked all around lake fayetteville and i put my feet in and i sniffed EVERYTHING and my mama let me off the leash so i could tire myself out and we went five miles

here i am doing my best henry david thoreau


that was saturday and on monday i wanted more so i ran around and around and around and then we went to devil's den where there are childrens and lizards and great big rocks and we climbed and climbed and climbed

my favorite is going up and also sticking my nose in holes

caves are great big rooms with the lights off that smell cold

we saw one and this guy said he went inside and saw a lizard eating a dead bat and i said mama can we go in and she said no i don't want to see a puppy eating a lizard eating a dead bat

maybe next time

this week i got fan mail

this week i got fan mail which is when someone in this case a kitty named yuki from new york writes a letter especially to me daisy mae

here it is:

Dear Daisy Mae,

I thought you might want to hang this up somewhere as a reminder that although mama and papa love you dearly, there is a big world outside. That's why I stay inside the house.

XOXO
Yuki

i think that is good advice which is why i've been working on my ferocious bark

last tuesday we hit the road

last tuesday we hit the road my mama my papa and me to go to little rock where my papa had to interview judge reinhold whom you may remember from such films as fast times at ridgemont high and beverly hills cop and the classic latter day beethoven movies

i rode in my crate and kitty couldn't come

driving to little rock takes a while so i engaged everyone in conversation i said papa are you ready to meet judge reinhold and he said quiet and i said you should ask him what it was like to work with beethoven and mama said daisy, quiet and i said of course he was also in the clifford movie which suggests a penchant for canine-themed projects 1999's puss in boots notwithstanding hey you should ask him about that and mama and papa said quiet daisy you're barking right in our ears and it's really piercing and i said also i've always thought that jason segal owes the very existence of his career to judge reinhold what do you think and mama said daisy mae pleeeeeeeease shut up which is people for you are the most insightful puppy ever and we are so proud

in all it was a very satisfying discussion so i worked on my in-car nap technique

oh i am awfully good at road trips

when i'm extra special good

when i'm extra special good at chewing my mama calls me little jaws

i've been working on my chewing lately i chewed my duck and my bone and my bucket and kitty's food and the floor and my papa's vintage chair and the table and some fingers and i got my eyes on some shoes

my papa says i'm already chewing at a fourth grade grade level and mama says probably i can skip a grade

today i worked on mama's new pajama pants and sometimes her legs which are inside them

she said daisy mae if you don't get your butt outside and leave me alone i swear to god i am going to stomp you

she's so funny

monday night was bittersweet

monday night was bittersweet

i killded lobster

one of my preferred pastimes

one of my preferred pastimes is to jump around and get things to play with me things like my duck and my bucket and my yellow thing and my motorized zany ball and my kitty and my papa and my mama

mama says i am not calm-submissive

she says just because i'm cute doesn't mean i run the house i think cesar millan has been giving her strange ideas

also i've been working on my nap technique i am quite the connoisseur

here are some of my favorite naps

on the couch

on the floor

with mama's leg

in the study

on the back porch

with my papa

oh yes i am awfully good

after my morning walk

after my morning walk my mama and i watch the dog whisperer with cesar millan so mama can learn to be a good pack leader

she says daisy mae i can't believe we live in a culture where we will pay a "dog psychologist" to tell us that dogs aren't people

i'm like whatever lady i'm just over here updating my dogblog

one thing i've noticed

one thing i've noticed about peoples is that they like to gather outside when it is bright out

this morning my mama needed a sleep-in so papa took me to the farmers market and i met lots and lots of peoples and they all adored me

i tell you what though when we go places papa is all business cause sometimes i'm like this is a nice place to sit down for a while or this is a good spot to sniff or hey it's a stick! and he's always trying to walk

it's okay he's a new papa and we're still leash training him

also today we went back to the pet store because i'm eating us out of house and home and we went to something called springfest because the peoples need to gather

i like springfest because everybody says OOOOOOOH WHAT KIND OF PUPPY IS THAT and my mama says she's a boxer mix which is people for the bestest smartest puppy in the whole world and then i get my belly rubbed

we met a lady selling homemade dog treats and i got chicken treats and liver treats and lobster treats and water and my butt sniffed by a border collie and i ate something yummy off the ground and something sticky and another treat and something that fell out of mama's sandwich and sonic youth walked by

they are a famous rock band but no one rubbed their belly

i'm just sayin'

see there's this lobster

see there's this lobster that's been menacing my pack

he is everywhere he even followed us to the park like the other day i'm all ready for my close-up and there's that lobster sneaking up on the right



also sometimes he can fly



he is that sneaky but it's okay i got him



it's hard work being a puppy that's for sure with the lobster problem and then i defended my papa from this suspicious stick



sometimes i need a little nap



every day it's the same that lobster comes back and back and then i show him who's boss



course when he's quiet he's okay for cuddling which is how my mama says i am too

i have a new hobby

i have a new hobby it's called digging

digging is not as good as chewing but you know cowper says variety's the very spice of life

my favorite is a new take on chewing i like to call nipping it is you might say the very center of my ken and mama and i debate it all day long she says no no no and i say yes yes yes and she says no no no daisy you mustn't mustn't mustn't and i say but mama i must must must

i am a puppy

mama says i am raging with energy which means i get two walks a day i like walks yesterday i met a girl with bubbles and a landscaper with tattoos he said daisy mae you sure are pretty and it's true i am

big mama says

big mama says kitty loves me she just doesn't know it yet whatever that means

kitty comes downstairs to play more now we have a fun game where i go HEY! and she goes HSSSSS and i go HEY! and she goes HSSSSSSSSSS and i go HEY! HEY!! HEY!!! and she goes HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS and swats me

soon i'll catch her tail and go to the next round

i went to the vet and he found a worm in my tummy so i got medicine that tastes like butterscotch and makes me smell like a puppy sundae mama says and last night i ran around and around and chewed and ran and chewed and ran and jumped around a bit and mama said i was on crack which is fun

she said daisy mae you drive me to drink and had another whisky

also papa put me in a puppy western which makes me that much more famous

this morning at 3:34

this morning at 3:34 inspiration struck i call it "o daisy mio" and it goes nnnnnn nnnng nnnnngggg ow oww OW oww OW OW OW AWOOOOOOOO AWOOOOOOOO OW OW AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO repeat

the key is in the fortissimo i really nailed it on the ninth go-round and papa rapped on my crate and cried QUIET QUIET which is italian for bravo so i gave encores

it's clever moments like this my mama tells me i'm lucky i'm too cute to shoot which is people for i love you daisy mae

last night was all

last night was all kitty food is not for puppy kitty food is not for puppy and i learned to sit which means i get treats

kitty is fluffy and goes HSSSSSSSS HSSSSSSSS HSSSSSSSSSSSSS her tail is twitchy i wonder if it's good for chewing

big mama says i have adoring fans and papa put me in a movie this is it starring me daisy mae



also i like lunch

i am daisy mae

i am daisy mae

i am a puppy

i was in a shelter with my sisters and sisters and brother and one was bitey but i was cute so i got to go to the pet store and i got a leash and a frog and a duck and a lobster and a bone and i met peoples! i love peoples

and some guinea pigs

when i got home i showed that frog who's in charge daisy mae that's who

life with peoples is pretty good i like eating and chewing and sleeping and chewing and chewing and big mama told me i was bitey and i got a bath

big mama and papa let me on the couch they say no a lot and also i chewed a duck and a bone and a stick and a lobster and that frog

i caught a shoe and they said no

i like peoples and also i like naptime on the couch i slept through two baseball games and the host which is a movie about a korean water puppy who is bitier than i am and i like naptime in my crate i listen to kcrw bookworm michael silverblatt makes me sleepy also i learned some things about michael ondaatje's views on the poetry of the novel but mostly i was chewing a duck and sleeping

i like eating paper which big mama says is trouble

books are not for chewing i don't know what that means but i also like pooping which is an outside game